I
f you’re in recovery from an episode with a misogynist it can be easy to place blame on yourself for not spotting the signs sooner. There’s every chance you feel emotionally violated for letting them into your space and into your head but fear not - you are not alone. Misogyny is hard to spot because that is the intention of a misogynist, whether conscious or subconscious - it’s all a matter of manipulation.
They will woo you with their charm, dance circles around you with their grandiose intellect (perceived) and allow you to think they are just about the most charming of guys you have ever met. Often, a misogynist needs a challenge and so, whilst you may not feel like it now, it’s a compliment that they chose you as a target.
They will firstly seek to win you over with said charm, charisma and showing up as the best version of themselves (or the person they wish for you to perceive them to be) thereafter, you will warm to them, you will begin to trust them and further to that you will allow your defences to drop. They will have ensured they have found your soft spots, so to speak, in order to lure you into their charm. More often than not women need to trust in the first instance in order to feel comfortable enough to be attracted to someone, which would normally lead to attachment, so for whatever the outcome a misogynist wants, gaining your trust is key. They will put in time to do this; ground work so to speak.
Once you have welcomed a misogynist into your circle of trust made for two, they will no doubt be looking for insecurities and potential perceived weaknesses to use as ammo when the time is right for them. You will find that he will start testing the waters with comments and actions that seem rude, derogatory towards you and others and you may even spot, if he isn't as smart as he thinks he is, that his lack of empathy will start to show.
There will be moments where he is switching from fun and flirty to rude and grotesque for a flicker of a moment. If you don’t spot those moments quickly he will see them as small wins as test the boundaries further at a later date. These moments will seem like Jekyll and Hyde in personality but they will be ever so fleeting and will catch you off guide. These tactics are part of the toolbox of a misogynist in order to gain control and be manipulate you into second guessing yourself, your confidence or perhaps even your views on the world around you.
You will find that a misogynist often will have a lot of traits that show discipline and control in his life, a competitive nature which will put himself on a pedestal and everyone else below him. More specifically, women at the very bottom of the pile. A misogynist is often competitive even with himself, holding himself to a high standard which will inflate his ego and add as a support to his grandiose vision of himself.
A misogynist will often see himself as the smartest person in the room, especially (and obviously) if there are also women in that room. He will often disregard statements made by others and find ways to invalidate any points that you make in conversation. You may not even notice at first as you are wrapped up in his charm and the ‘dating dance’ he will ask very few questions about you and will purposely never delve deeper than the surface with things that matter to you.
A misogynist will never want to compete with a woman and it will light a fire in him if he thinks a woman is achieving more than he is socially, financially, professionally. He will take a birdseye view on the scenario and try to justify reasons why that might be as a “fluke” or see it as momentary. He will be overly critical of women in any setting and do his best to make a female feel unhappy, miserable or unworthy but it isn’t always conscious.
If you are in a relationship with a misogynist there will always be an imbalance in power, with the balance tipped in his favour. He will act in a punishing way emotionally and use sex as a tool to gain power - either expecting it at his leisure or withdrawing it for emotional manipulation.
In essence, in the end, a misogynist will treat a woman the opposite way in which she wishes to be treated whether it’s at the beginning of something new in the early stages of dating or in an established relationship.
A misogynist doesn’t believe a woman to be worthy of his loyalty and will operate under the radar (or not) to monopolise the attention and physical affection of multiple females. Being able to achieve this validates him, his ego and allows him to position himself in his mind as a powerful being. A misogynist will often dip in and out of the lives of particular female targets, he won’t ever believe he owes an explanation to leave or return but just will. When questions a misogynist will often mirror a question back to you, ignore it or become defensive in a gas lighting manner making you question your thought processes.
Not all misogynists are conscious about their position with women, they don’t all identity as beings that despise women. Their actions to put women down emotionally, intellectually and sexually send endorphins to their brain and make them feel better about themselves in the short term - they seek more hits of these endorphins either consciously or subconsciously.