Have you ever dated someone where you weren’t sure at first if it was just sexual attraction or if you were beginning to build the foundations to form love and attachment?
We feel it’s apt to share this with you as we keep hearing how it’s about to be a ‘Summer of Love’ and it’s gotten us to thinking about the way so many have felt so disconnected from the world and how this might lend itself to romantic judgment being clouded, especially if you’re looking to attach not just attract someone into your life.
Here are a few signs it may be lust, not love, when navigating the modern dating path.
You want to know everything and all at once. If the person you are dating is really meant to be your next significant other, what’s the rush? After all, all good things come to those who wait. If it’s lust, you’ll try to be all in (and fast) as you won’t be able to wait to get your next fix of those neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin for that feel good factor. If it’s set to be love then you will find that you’ll be far more interested in a slow-burning romance.
You struggle to find commonality. The chemistry may seem to be oozing between the two of you - it will feel like friction, it’s electric, and you just can’t get enough of being in the throes of getting to know one another. The conversation turns quickly to the physical putting aside the emotional and intellectual, perhaps because the footing for commonality and long term compatibility isn't strong.
You’ve got different outlooks on the world, but accept it. You like this person. They’re attractive, you feel comfortable in their company, and you want to be in their presence all of the time which has somehow clouded your view regarding not being on the same page as them about things that really matter to you, perhaps including your core values. It’s important to get into conversations about family-orientation, health, ambitions, goals, stimulation of your minds and lifestyle - this all matters.
It’s not a seamless connection, but it’s exciting. Sometimes ‘getting' each other feels a tad like swimming against a micro tide but you’re okay with that, the chemistry is there, and so you think that the compatibility might come in time. Well, it won’t - when you connect with someone that’s right for you then you will go through the scientific stages of falling in love which of course include lust, but you will want more as you become attracted to their personality and want to attach to them and only them.
You don’t communicate the same way. If you both seem to be constantly seeking the attention of the other, either for validation or due to not feeling a sense of calm in the connection as it evolves. Perhaps you find yourself feeling unsure where this is going, how the other person feels or what on earth is going on? The right person for you wants you to feel at ease because they want to feel at ease too if it’s set to be a certain match. With the right person there is no room for wonder.
Everything else falls by the wayside. If you’re attracted to someone and feel completely comfortable with dropping everything of significance around you, then we’re afraid to say that this might be lust and not set to be love. Things of significance can be anything from friends and family, to your hobbies, interests and work. Love stems from a place of compatibility, and that’s based on a deep understanding between the two of you of what’s important, what keeps you ticking and the knowledge that the two of you are going in together for a marathon, not a sprint.
It’s tough in the early days to see what is what when it comes to sexual attraction and building the foundations to form attachment. Most of all listen to yourself, trust your gut and really keep getting to grips with your core values.