For so many couples the idea of etching out a few minutes in their day to get down to it, let alone sectioning off a weekend for a romantic rendezvous with their partner is too much to even think about let alone do. Working oneself into the mood about to even think about making some sexual moves can be quite the effort let alone actually doing the deed itself, so why is that?

Well, quite frankly there are a few reasons and I am actually so excited to work through them with you as we’ve all been there - from morning latte to lights out, the feeling of getting frisky with your partner can seem like it make take too much time or perhaps you just can’t get in the mood because affection can sometimes only mean one thing - sexual action, rather just the art of flirting and showing a tender love and care and maybe that feeling or space isn’t your bag.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or perhaps it’s a female thing - but I know I need to feel connected, I need to feel heard and I need to be in a space of good physical and verbal communication within my couple to be able to get into anything sexually actionable. Otherwise, I am simply not interested. Some might think it’s vanilla, some might think it lacks spontaneity or simply just the daringness to do the deed but in reality - I need all my strings attached.

SLIP SOME SIMMERING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Are you in a relationship where if you or your partner start to kiss, or make a pass it’s often just because he or she is interested in doing the deed? Does being affectionate only mean one thing in your relationship and is it frustrating you? Well, it could mean that you have forgotten how to simmer and trust me you have simmered plenty of times before.

Simmering is that slow and intentional back and forth flirtation and communication with your partner. It’s the odd text in the middle of a busy day with a showing of affection, it’s a kiss on the neck when you’re running out of the door, it’s the brush of a hand when one of you is pottering around in the kitchen, the hand on a knee under the dinner table when out with friend or even the smile across the room when in a chaotic room with family members or friends that says “I see you and only you at this moment in time”. The busy hustle and bustle of every day life can take over and somehow intimacy can sometimes become more of a necessity and a need to show your partner you care rather than a deep want and building of lust to show love.

I know that so many people can relate, I know that so many people have been there or are in that space in their relationships right now and they feel STUCK. The problem can lye in not knowing how to become unstuck, how to communicate it or even just trying to understand what changed and what is changing and you know what, it’s super simple and you can switch things around and show your partner you’re all in for sex and sensuality just with a spot of simmering.

NO COMMUNICATION = NO UNDER THE COVERS ACTION.

There is nothing hotter than being on the same page as your partner (and that doesn’t mean agreeing all the time) Sometimes you have to agree to disagree but thank goodness you are communicating in the first instance and actually talking to each other - once the comms falls by the wayside everything else seems to go with it too. Communicate with your partner and do it consistently - show you care with little acts, little words and little simmering showings of affection. Do everything and don’t give up - I have got tonnes of advice about communication and trust me in my relationship I don’t always get what I want either - comprise and conflict resolution is often about one party losing, but you have to be willing to lose/ win / meet in the middle and not hold whatever the conversation or lack thereof is about to ransom.

Let it go, all of it is really background noise because what matters most is you and your partner and the precious relationship you have. You have to nurture it, you have to integrate communication and trust me physical affection and tactile responses in a relationship are ways of communicating with each other - it’s a showing of love, companionship, romantic collaboration and care. Reconnect, communicate and hopefully you’ll be back under the covers in no time.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF.

Let’s imagine a few little scenarios: One of you didn’t take the washing out of the machine. One of you keeps forgetting to ask how one’s day has gone. You forget to pack that thing, book that thing, do that thing, call about that thing and so many other things. SO WHAT. I beg of you, for the sanity of your relationship and forging the connection in your couple - stop sweating the small stuff. I get that he or she not doing that thing actually translates into ones mind about something far deeper rooted “he doesn’t care” or “she is too pre-occupied” but what about if I could just suggest for a moment that challenging yourself firstly with one week of stopping to sweat the small things, the things that are just bumf that don’t REALLY matter about your connection, your communication and your chemistry and when you make it through that week (which I promise you that it is possible) you start to focus on only sweating the big stuff for a month - that’s right, a whole month of stopping sweating and stressing about those small things that don’t really matter.

How? You might ask - he or she might be driving you absolutely bonkers, bananas, insane about innocent little forgetful things but here is how… focus fully on you. Do that thing you have always wanted to do, go to that workout that you have been putting off, see that friend that you keep forgetting to spend time with - get busy, get serious about pursuing your passions and let all of the stresses at home start to fall by the wayside. It might on the surface seem avoidant but i promise you that happiness is the most attractive trait and once you fully focus on what makes you happy then soon enough you will start to shift your stress and stop sweating the small stuff. You and your spouse will have so much more to discuss, you’ll become so pre-occupied with your passions and pursuit of your favourite things that faster than you can stress, you’ll be talking about some super exciting things. It will work wonders for your relationship and I promise you are not the only person in this position of stressing with their someone - let it go and let’s get started.

@FabSarahRyan